Eminem Songfics
by JM Lupin
Summary: This is a collection of SongFics to Eminem's music. Read and Review, Please.
1. Colin

I had each of these songfics uploaded seperately but decided to combine them. So ilost all of my reviews...Yes, it's upsetting...lol  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
I owled you but you still ain't callin. I left my home, school, and parents address at the bottom. I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not-a got 'em. There probably was a problem with the owl post or somethin. Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em  
  
but anyways; fuck it, what's been up? Man how's your scar? My girlfriend's pregnant, I'm bout to be a father If I have a daughter, guess what I'ma call her? I'ma name her Lily. I read about your Godfather, Sirius too I'm sorry. I had a friend kill himself over some bitch who didn't want him. I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan. I even got the underground shit that you did with Ron. I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man. I like the shit you did with Neville too, that shit was fat.  
  
Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan,  
  
This is Colin  
  
Dear Harry,  
  
You still ain't called or wrote, I hope you have a chance. I ain't mad - I just think it's FUCKED UP you don't answer fans. If you didn't wanna talk to me outside your Dormitory, you didn't have to, but you coulda signed an autograph for Dennis. That's my little brother man, he's only 13 years old. We waited in the blistering cold for you, for four hours and you just said, "No." That's pretty shitty man - you're like his fuckin idol  
  
He wants to be just like you man, he likes you more than I do. I ain't that mad though, I just don't like bein lied to. Remember when we met in Potions - you said if I'd write you, you would write back - see I'm just like you in a way I never knew my father neither; he used to always cheat on my mom and beat her. I can relate to what you're saying in your Daily Prophet Articles. So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and read em cause I don't really got shit else so that shit helps when I'm depressed. I even got a tattoo of your name across the chest. Sometimes I even cut my head to have a scar. See everything you say is real, and I respect you cause you tell it. My girlfriend's jealous cause I talk about you 24/7  
  
But she don't know you like I know you Slim, no one does. She don't know what it was like for people like us growin up.  
  
You gotta call me man, I'll be the biggest fan you'll ever lose  
  
Sincerely yours, Colin  
  
-- P.S.  
  
We should be together too  
  
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans,  
  
this'll be the last package I ever send your ass. It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it? I know you got my last two letters; I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect So this is my cassette I'm sending you, I hope you hear it I'm on a broom right now, I'm doing 90. You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night" about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning. but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a a show he found him? That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning. Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy. and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call. I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall. I love you Harry, we coulda been together, think about it. You ruined it now, I hope you can't sleep and you dream about it. And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it. I hope your conscience EATS AT YOU and you can't BREATHE without me See Harry; {screaming} Shut up bitch! I'm tryin to talk! Hey scarhead, that's my girlfriend screamin in the trunk. but I didn't give her to the dark lord like you did wityh cedric and sirius.I'm gonna kill her myself.  
  
Well, gotta go, I'm almost at the bridge now.  
  
Oh shit, I forgot, how'm I supposed to send this shit out?  
  
{car tires squeal} {CRASH}  
  
.. {brief silence} .. {LOUD splash}  
  
A/N - See how bored I can get? 


	2. Role Model

Everyone at Hogwarts LOVED Gilderoy Lockhart. He was their favorite celebrity. Anything he said, they said. Anything he did, they did.  
  
--- OK, I'm going to attempt to drown myself ---  
  
--- You can try this at home ---  
  
--- You can be just like me! ---  
  
"I get to go first!" Ron exclaimed.  
  
"You got to go first when we superglued our asses to the floor!" Harry argued.  
  
"Fine. You go," Ron sighed.  
  
"I don't know about this, guys," Hermione said uncertainly.  
  
"Gilderoy did it! So we're gonna, too!" Ron shouted.  
  
Harry ignored the arguing couple and checked the rope on his ankle to see that it was tight. Then the other end that was tied around the boulder.  
  
"Now, how do we do this again?" Ron asked.  
  
"You put a weightless charm on the rock. Wait till you swim out into the middle of the lake and take the charm off," Hermione explained.  
  
--- Mic check one two.. we recordin? ---  
  
--- I'm cancerous, so when I diss you wouldn't wanna answer this ---  
  
--- If you responded back with a battle rap you wrote for Canibus ---  
  
--- I strangled you to death then I choked you again ---  
  
--- Then break your fuckin legs till your bones poke through your skin ---  
  
Crabbe ran as fast as he could from the enraged Goyle. Goyle had found out about Crabbe talking about him behind his back. And he was going to make Crabbe pay for it.  
  
Finally, as They rounded a corner in the dungeons, Goyle caught his prey. He wrapped his fat fingers around the boys neck, strangling him. Then after Crabbe stopped breathing, he choked him again.  
  
"I'll teach you to steal my food, ya prick," he muttered, "I'll take a page out of Lockhart's book."  
  
He grabbed the other boys legs and snapped them until you could see the white of boone poking through.  
  
--- You beef wit me, I'ma even the score equally ---  
  
--- Take you on Jerry Springer, and beat yer ass legally ---  
  
--- I get you blunted off of funny home grown ---  
  
--- Cause when I smoke out I hit the trees harder than Sonny Bono ---  
  
"Jerry! Jerry! JERRY!" the crowd chanted steadily.  
  
"You bitch! Harry is mine!" Cho shouted at the red-haired whore.  
  
"Oh yeah? Is that why he visits MY bed every night?" Ginny taunted.  
  
Cho jumped up and attacked Ginny, hitting, biting, and pulling everything she could. The fight lasted only thirty seconds before the security people pulled the two battling sluts apart.  
  
"Thank god I found from Gilderoy that it's legal to fight on Jerry Springer," Ginny muttered.  
  
--- So if I said I never did drugs ---  
  
--- That would mean I lie AND get fucked more than the President does ---  
  
--- Hillary Clinton tried to slap me and call me a pervert ---  
  
--- I ripped her fuckin tonsils out and fed her sherbet (Bitch!) ---  
  
"Minerva, you sexy bitch!" Albus said, moving in on her.  
  
"Albus, please," Minerva said.  
  
"I want to..." he whispered the rest quietly into her ear.  
  
"Albus! You pervert!" she slapped the headmaster across the face.  
  
Dumbledore grabbed her by the neck and stuck his free hand down her throat. He ripped out her tonsils and threw them aside. Blood squirted out of her mouth. He snapped his fingers. Instantly a house-elf appeared.  
  
"Go get me the sherbert," he said idly. A moment later a bowl of sherbert was on his desk. He picked it up and dumped iot down her mouth.  
  
"Great man, Gilderoy," he said.  
  
--- My nerves hurt, and lately I'm on edge ---  
  
--- Grabbed Vanilla Ice and ripped out his blonde dreads ---  
  
--- Every girl I ever went out wit is goin lez ---  
  
Fred yelled in frustration. He just found out that his ex-girlfriend, Angelina Johnson, had gone lez. Fifth one that month.  
  
Lee Jordan had just informed him. Fred reached across and grabbed a handful of Lee's dreadlocks. He pulled them out in one tug. Lee ran around crying, while Fred and George laughed.  
  
"You always did the best Gilderoy impressions," George admired his twin.  
  
--- Follow me and do exactly what the song says: ---  
  
--- smoke weed --- Snape li up in a broom closet with his best friend, Argus.  
  
--- take pills --- Tonks downed her fourth bottle of Tylenol  
  
--- drop outta school --- As Draco left, he threw the headmaster the finger.  
  
--- kill people --- Voldemort laughed at the thirt-two bodies littered before him.  
  
--- drink and jump behind the wheel like it was still legal --- Sirius downed the last of the firewhiskey and climbe onto the seat of his flying motorcycle...  
  
--- Now follow me and do exactly what you see ---  
  
--- Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me! ---  
  
--- I slap women and eat shrooms then O.D. ---  
  
--- Now don't you wanna grow up to be just like me! ---  
  
--- I came to the club drunk with a fake ID --- Colin Creevey  
  
--- Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me! --- We all do!  
  
--- I've been with 10 women who got HIV --- Arthur Weasley  
  
--- Now don't you wanna grow up to be just like me! --- We all do!  
  
--- I got genital warts and it burns when I pee --- Millicent Bullstrode  
  
--- Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me! --- We all do!  
  
--- I tie a rope around my penis and jump from a tree --- Percy  
  
--- You probably wanna grow up to be just like me!!! --- We all do!  
  
Go Gilderoy!  
  
A/N - Actually...I hate that man.... 


	3. Just The Two Of Us

--- Baby your da-da loves you ---  
  
--- And I'ma always be here for you no matter what happens ---  
  
--- You're all I got in this world ---  
  
--- I would never give you up for nothin ---  
  
--- Nobody in this world is ever gonna keep you from me ---  
  
--- I love you ---  
  
"Come on, Harry. We're going to the beach," James Potter said to his two-year old son. He picked the child out of the crib and threw some toys into a bag. He put Harry in the cart seat in the back seat of the car. A horrible smell issued from the trunk.  
  
"Mama?" Harry asked.  
  
"She's taking a little nap in the trunk," James answered his son. He sat in the driver's seat and started the car. In the back, Harry was playing with James' knife.  
  
"Don't play with da-da's toy knife, son, let go of it," James pulled it out of the boys hands.  
  
"No!" he cried.  
  
Only a few minutes later, they pulled up to the Oceanside. James took Harry from the backseat and set him on the beach.  
  
"Don't look so upset, why you actin bashful? Don't you wanna help da-da build a sand castle?" James aksed.  
  
"Yeah!" Harry exclaimed.  
  
"And mama said she wants to show how far she can float. And don't worry about that little boo-boo on her throat It's just a little scratch - it don't hurt. Her was eatin dinner while you were sweepin and spilled ketchup on her shirt. Mama's messy isn't she? We'll let her wash off in the water and me and you can pway by ourselves, can't we?" James said.  
  
--- Just the two of us.. ---  
  
--- And when we ride! ---  
  
--- Just the two of us.. ---  
  
--- Just you and I! ---  
  
--- Just the two of us. ---  
  
--- And when we ride! ---  
  
--- Just the two of us.. ---  
  
--- Just you and I! ---  
  
James dragged the body to the dock that stretched out into the Ocean while Harry toddled behind him. He talked to Harry as they went.  
  
"See, son. There's a place called heaven and a place called hell. A place called prison and a place called jail. And da-da's probably on his way to all of em except one. Cause mama's got a new husband and a stepson. And you don't want a brother do ya?" James asked. HArry only smiled innocently.  
  
'This is your fault, bitch!' James thought angrily, 'Was this worth that night with Lucius?'  
  
"Maybe when you're old enough to understand a little better. I'll explain it to ya. But for now we'll just say mama was real real bad. She was bein mean to dad and made him real real mad. But I still feel sad that I put her on time-out," James said. He reached the end of the dock. He tied a rock to the foot of the body of his once-loved wife and rolled it into the salty waters.  
  
"Say Good-bye to mommy, Harry," James said.  
  
"Bye Mommy!" Harry waved happily.  
  
"Bye Lily," James grinned.  
  
--- Just me and you baby ---  
  
--- is all we need in this world ---  
  
--- Just me and you ---  
  
--- Your da-da will always be there for you ---  
  
--- Your da-da's always gonna love you ---  
  
--- Remember that ---  
  
--- If you ever need me I will always be here for you ---  
  
--- If you ever need anything, just ASK ---  
  
--- Da-da will be right there ---  
  
--- Your da-da loves you ---  
  
--- I love you baby --- Submit ReviewReport Possible AbuseAdd Story to FavoritesAdd Author to FavoritesAdd Author to Author Alert 


	4. Brain Damage

DISCLAIMER THINGY- I think by now, we should realize that no one on this sites owns any of the books or character from or plot from or songs from....so...that means me too. I own nothing.  
  
"Scalpel," Madam Pomfrey requested.  
  
"Here," Minerva handed it to her.  
  
"Sponge."  
  
"Here."  
  
Harry Potter lay once again unconcious in the Hospital Wing of Hogwarts. No surprises their.  
  
"Wait.. he's convulsing, he's convulsing!" Madam Pomfrey exclaimed. Minerva screamed.  
  
"We're gonna have to shock him!" Madam Pomfrey said.  
  
"Oh my! Oh my God!" Minerva was frantic.  
  
"We're gonna have to shock him!"  
  
"Oh my God!"  
  
--- These are the results of his thousandth near death jolt ---  
  
--- A scar in the shape of a lightning bolt ---  
  
"Minerva, we're losin him, check the pulse!" Madam Pomfrey ordered.  
  
--- A kid who refused to respect Death Eaters ---  
  
--- Wore spectacles with taped frames and a freckled nose ---  
  
--- A corny lookin white boy, scrawny and never ornery ---  
  
--- Cause I was always had some brawny bullies pickin on me ---  
  
--- And I might snap, one day just like that ---  
  
--- I decided to strike back and snap ever handle on the broom rack ---  
  
"It's you and I, three o'clock sharp this afternoon you die," Draco Malfoy said. That was Harry's first day at Hogwarts in Potions. He looked at his watch. It was one twenty.  
  
"I already gave you my lunch money what more do you want from me?" Harry whined.  
  
He said, "Don't try to run from me, you'll just make it worse..."  
  
Harry's palms were sweaty, and h started to shake at first. Something told him 'Try to fake a stomach ache it works.'  
  
He screamed, "Owww! My scar feels like it could burst!  
  
Teacher, teacher, quick I need a naked nurse!"  
  
"What's the matter?" Professor Snape asked.  
  
"I don't know, my leg, it hurts!" he cried.  
  
"Leg? I thought you said it was your head?" Snape asked.  
  
"Oh, I mean it is, but I also got a bum knee!"  
  
"Mr. Potter, the fun and games are over. And just for that stunt, you're gonna lose some house points," Snape snapped.  
  
"But don't you wanna give me after school detention?" Harry pleaded.  
  
"Nah, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle wants to beat your ass and I'ma let em," he laughed.  
  
---Brain damage, ever since the day I was born ---  
  
---Drugs is what they used to say I was on ---  
  
---They say I never knew which way I was goin ---  
  
---But everywhere I go they keep playin my song ---  
  
--- Way before my baby son Roy ---  
  
--- I was harassed daily by this fat kid named Draco Malfoy ---  
  
--- A fifth year who acted obnoxious, cause his father boxes ---  
  
--- so everyday he'd shove me into suits of armour ---  
  
---One day he came in the bathroom while I was pissin ---  
  
--- And had me in the position to beat me into submission ---  
  
--- He banged my head against the urinal til he broke my nose, ---  
  
--- Soaked my clothes in blood, grabbed me and choked my throat ---  
  
"We shouldn't beef," Harry tried to plead, but he just wouldn't leave, he kept chokin him and he couldn't breathe.He looked at Harry and said, "You gonna die honkey!"  
  
The headmaster walked in and asked, "What's going on in here?"  
  
Albus Dumbledore started helpin Draco stomp Harry.  
  
He made them think they beat him to death, holdin his breath for like five minutes before they finally left.  
  
Then he got up and ran to Filch's office, Kicked the door hinge loose and ripped out the four inch screws. He grabbed some sharp objects, brooms, and foreign tools. He found Draco Malfoy in the Great Hall five minutes later.  
  
"This is for every time you took my pumpkin juice, or stole my seat in the great hall and drank my chocolate milk. Every time you tipped my tray and it dropped and spilt. I'm gettin you back bully! Now once and for good!" Harry screamed. He cocked the broomstick back and swung hard as he could  
  
and beat Draco over the head with it til he broke the wood. Knocked him down, stood on his chest with one foot.  
  
--- Made itto my dorm, later that same day ---  
  
--- Started reading a comic, and suddenly everything became gray ---  
  
--- I couldn't even see what I was tryin to read ---  
  
--- I went deaf, and my left ear started to bleed ---  
  
"What are you on drugs? Look at you, you're gettin blood all over my rug!" Neville shrieked.  
  
"Sorry!" Harry apologized.  
  
--- He beat me over the head with the remote control ---  
  
--- opened a hole, and my whole brain fell out of my skull ---  
  
Harry picked it up and screamed, "Look bitch, what have you done?"  
  
"Oh my God, I'm sorry Harry!" Neville apologized.  
  
"Shut up you cunt!" he said "Fuck it!"  
  
--- Took it and stuck it back up in my head ---  
  
--- then I sewed it shut and put a couple of screws in my neck ---  
  
--- Brain damage.. ---  
  
--- It's brain damage.. ---  
  
--- I got brain damage.. ---  
  
--- It's brain damage.. ---  
  
--- It's probably brain damage.. ---  
  
--- It's brain damage.. ---  
  
--- Brain damage.. ---  
  
--- I got brain damage.. --- 


	5. Guilty Conscience

DISCLAIMER- THE MUSIC BELONGS TO EMINEM. THE CHARACTERS TO JKR. now, leave me alone...  
  
---Meet Ron, twenty-three years old. ---  
  
---Fed up with life and the way things are going, ---  
  
---he decides to rob a Quidditch store. ---  
  
---But on his way in, he has a sudden change of heart. ---  
  
---And suddenly, his conscience comes into play... ---  
  
"I can't take this no more, I can't take it no more homes. Shit is mine, I gotta do this.. gotta do this." Ron Weasley muttered as he walked up to the store. He fingered the wand in his pocket.  
  
"Ron!" a familiar voice came from the shadows.  
  
"Huh?" he said, surprised.  
  
"Alright stop! Now before you walk in the door of this liquor store and try to get money out the drawer. You better think of the consequence," the voice said.  
  
"But who are you?" he asked.  
  
"It's me, Hermione, dumbass," Hermione emerged from the shadows.  
  
"That's nonsense!" another voice came from the shadoiws, "Go in and gaffle the money and run to the Burrow. And borrow a damn dress from Ginny, and one of her blonde wigs. Tell her you need a place to stay. You'll be safe for days if you shave your legs with an aged razor blade."  
  
"Yeah but if it all goes through like it's supposed to. The whole Order knows you and they'll expose you. Think about it before you walk in the door first. Look at the store clerk, she's older than Professor McGonagall."  
  
"Fuck that!" HArry came out of the shadows as Hermione did, "Do that shit! Shoot that bitch! Can you afford to blow this shit? Are you that rich? Why you give a fuck if she dies? Are you that bitch? Do you really think she gives a fuck if you have kids?"  
  
"Man, don't do it, it's not worth it to risk it!" Hermione said.  
  
"You're right," Ron muttered.  
  
"Not over this shit," she said.  
  
"Stop!" Harry yelled.  
  
"Drop your wand," Hermione urged.  
  
"I will," Ron said, throwing his wand aside.  
  
"Don't even listen to scarhead yo, he's bad for you," Hermione said.  
  
"You know what Hermione? I don't like your attitude," Harry spat.  
--- Meet Remus, a lot of years old. ---  
  
--- After meeting a young girl at a rave party, ---  
  
--- things start getting hot and heavy in an upstairs bedroom. ---  
  
--- Once again, his conscience comes into play... ---  
  
"It's alright c'mon, just come in here for a minute," Remus said in a faked sweet voice. He couldn't believe his luck.  
  
"Mmm, I don't know!" the red haired girl said uncertainly.  
  
"Look baby-" he started.  
  
"Damn!"  
  
"Yo, it's gonna be alright, right?" Remus said smoothly.  
  
"Well OK..." Ginny conceded. Remus led her into one of the many bedrooms at Grimmauld Place.  
  
"Give me a kiss," Remus said. Just as she leaned in, Hermione appeared and smacked him round his head.  
  
"Shit!" he said angrily.  
  
"Now listen to me," Harry was sitting in one of the chairs across the room, "While you're kissin her cheek and smearin her lipstick, I slipped this in her drink Now all you gotta do is nibble on this little bitch's earlobe.."  
  
"Yo! This girl's only fifteen years old!" Hermione exclaimed, "You shouldn't take advantage of her, that's not fair."  
  
"Yo, look at her bush.. does it got hair?" Harry asked.  
  
"Uh huh," Remus said.  
  
"Fuck this bitch right here on the spot bare. Til she passes out and she forgot how she got there," Harry shrugged.  
  
"Man, ain't you ever seen that one movie Kids?" Hermione asked.  
  
"No, but I seen the porno with SunDoobiest!" Harry smiled.  
  
"Shit, you wanna get hauled off to Azkaban?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Man fuck that, hit that shit raw dawg and bail," Harry said.  
--- Meet Lucius, a twenty-nine year old Death Eater. ---  
  
--- After coming home from a hard day's work, ---  
  
--- he walks in the door of his trailer park home ---  
  
--- to find his wife in bed with another man. ---  
  
"WHAT THE FUCK?!?!" Lucius roared.  
  
"Lucius!!" Narcissa exclaimed, surprised to see her husband. She was half naked in thier bed with none other than Severus Snape.  
  
"Alright calm down, relax, start breathin..." that bushy-haired Mudblood schoolmate of Draco's appeared.  
  
"Fuck that shit, you just caught this bitch cheatin! While you at work she's with some dude tryin to get off? FUCK slittin her throat, CUT THIS BITCH'S HEAD OFF!" the famous Harry Potter appeared at his other side.  
  
"Wait! What if there's an explanation for this shit?" Hermione said.  
  
"What? She tripped? Fell? Landed on his dick?" Harry said sarcastically.  
  
"Alright Harry, maybe he's right Lucius. But think about the baby before you get all crazy," Hermione pleaded.  
  
"Okay! Thought about it, still wanna stab her? Grab her by the throat, get your daughter and kidnap her? That's what I did, be smart, don't be a retard  
  
You gonna take advice from a mudblood who fucked your son?" Harry asked.  
  
"What'chu say?" Hermione asked angrily.  
  
"What's wrong? Didn't think I'd remember?" Harry asked.  
  
"I'ma kill you motherfucker!" Hermione screamed.  
  
"Uhhh-aahh! Temper temper! Mrs. Prefect? Mrs. Head Girl? Mrs. I fucked Draco Malfoy. Tell anyone and die!? How in the fuck you gonna tell this man not to be violent?" Harry said.  
  
"Cause he don't need to go the same route that I went. Been there, done that.. aw fuck it...What am I sayin? Kill em both Lucius, where's your wand at?" Hermione said.  
  
"Avada Kadavra!" said twice by Lucius.  
---- 


End file.
